Blog #1

 Let me start off by saying this. I have been lacking trust for a while now, but I still stayed. Even before our big change in our lives I stayed because I refused to believe it was true. Maybe its because Im so damned nosey. Yeah, I think we would be fine if I had kept out of business that wasn't mine. But what do i know. I ask so many times in those months if you had done it, and you gave me the same response "No". Idk if you are good at lying or if you truly just wrote and said these things to destroy me and nothing else came from it. I trusted you with everything in me. I was someone that barely cared about looking at phones, emails, history etc. I couldn't care less about it because I knew you wouldn't do that to me. Well. Maybe I was wrong. Now thats all i can do when youre not looking. Snooping through old pictures, emails, messages, just itching and hoping to find something. And for what. That's the funniest part about all this. Even if I did find astounding and damning evidence that you betrayed me, what the hell can I do about it now. It happened so many years ago and yet it still hurts so damn bad. I say that it doesn't hurt me which is partially true. A: It doesn't hurt me AS MUCH as it used to when I thought about it; and B: Yeah it still stings lol. I legitimately don't know what is real and what isn't. I would not have been so nosey or weird if you would have just brought it up on my own. And that day you drank a lot and overplayed that annoying song doesn't count. Even that day, I refused to believe that you were attracted not just emotionally, but physically and sexually to someone that wasn't me. But NO! I had to find the messages, I had to find the messages to friends about him and what fun things you wanted to plan or do to his body. I had to find the fucking blog post. Like I mentioned earlier, it does not hurt as much as it used to because believe me, if I had found the messages and blog posts so many years prior, we are finished and that is the bottom line. No ifs, ands or buts. At that point, I wouldn't have even cared if you did anything or just thought about it. That would have been it. What I don't understand is how someone can "demonstrate", "display", "show" their love for someone when they go and talk about someone else as if they have been married for years. Those words are words that I have never heard from you, and all of a sudden they are said about a person you met only months prior? The words that I would only read on a raunchy porn website. And there they are, right on my screen. But clearly not about me. Unless you have a way to justify it but you clearly do not. I mean hell, you stuttered and got quiet when I mentioned his wife's name. And you think that was by accident. Please my dear, you are much smarter than that. Oh and btw you probably weren't kidding about the swinger party/wife swap suggestion which is fucking hilarious to me (after reading the smut blog of course). I was going to make a pro/con list of the two of us, but you know what... its a waste of time. I'm sure his wife wants nothing more than to erase the thoughts of her husband having his way with a young woman, whether its you or not I'll probably never know but there's already that history of young infidelity. I mean its not like Im that bad-looking right? That honestly doesn't matter because I could have all of the wonderful PHYSICAL characteristics that he supposedly has, but at the end of the day, I am not him, and he is not me. Nothing I say or do is going to change anything that happened. If you truly did sleep with him, then what the fuck can i do. I sound like a beta saying that but truly if it already happened what the fuck would I do at this point. Maybe if there's a time machine I go back in time and ignore you.... in 2017. Or we stay broken up... in 2020. Or I end it with you after even slight doubt that you are a traitorous person wanting a fun and "innocent" affair. Ha. Innocent affair. Like if you truly wanted to have an affair and fuck the brains out of the guy then you should have just told me. I would have just told you to piss off and gone on my merry way, focusing on school and nothing else. Why would I stop someone from being with someone they "truly want". Whether its sexually or emotionally. It always cracks me up when people try to convince their significant others to stay while they sneak around. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you.... No amount of "delicious sex", or anything in this world is going to change their mind to stay with you, so... why. are. you. so. insistent. Well... I really don't know why I was so insistent. I guess I still saw the good in you. The compassionate heart, the acts of love and kindness, and of course the nasty was good too. well for me at least... i doubt you enjoyed it then and frankly might not be sure you enjoy it now. Oh well! You live and you learn right. Its funny, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, get angry.... I really don't feel any of those. I just have a sinking feeling in my chest and stomach and Im not sure what that emotion is. Dread? Anxiety? Pain? Sleepiness? (I'm writing this way past my bedtime.) It just irks me that you became the very thing you despised growing up. The very thing that almost completely ruined your parents' relationship. But hey, those pleasures and desires will do that to you I guess. Fuck it's already 12 , I gotta go.... just one more thing.

 It feels kind of nice to get all of this off my chest. But you know what the funniest part is. Me estoy martirizando por alguien que ni sabe de mi existencia. Goodnight.